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Monday, January 07, 2008

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It's an interesting point of view... absolutely. I think you're talking about something important but you should add more sources about it, because gay people need to understand the main point behind all this.

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truelife-
Here's a label: "lesbian-identified bisexual".
I am bisexual but I prefer women to men. The reason I don't call myself a lesbian is because I am still attracted to men, just not as often as I'm attracted to women.

eternity--
It should be acknowledged that, while lesbians do have a lower STD rate than people of any other orientation, they are not risk free. I know a (bisexual) girl who contracted Chlamydia from her (lesbian) girlfriend who got it from another (lesbian) girl. So we all need to be careful, regardless of who we sleep with.

truelife

tenise --

unfortunately, you are the exception -- not the rule. i'm very happy to hear that you are a bisexual in a life-long committed gay relationship, but the truth is you are one of the few.

based on your comments, you are not much different than a lesbian. even though i identify as a lesbian, i believe that human sexuality is very complex and can be fluid at times. As far as your relationship history and you finally settling down and starting a family with a woman, you are no different than me. It's just that you opted to identify as a bisexual, and I felt most comfortable with the lesbian label. i have felt some level of attraction to men in my lifetime and i've even had boyfriends, but at the end of the day, I've committed myself to a woman. In my book, this makes me a lesbian.

many self-identified bisexuals have no intention of seriously pursing same-sex relationships or have deep reservations about living the gay "lifestyle". I agree that these bisexuals make a bad name for bisexuals in general. The problem is that they are so prevalent that they appear to be the majority in real life.

you cannot tell me that it is not risky for lesbians to date bisexuals -- both in terms of heartache and STDS. Just because you are true to the game, doesn't mean other bisexuals are too. (And no, please don't mention dental dams here)

I have known bisexuals to want both men and women partners at the same time and others who feel the need to live their lives in and out of relationships so they can switch between men and women forever. The former are polyamourus and the latter are serial monogamists. These types of bisexuals generally never get married, but when they do they end up feeling the need to jeopardize their marriage with their desire to explore the "other" side of their sexuality.

Tenise, I truly hope you can accept that lesbians who don't date bisexuals aren't paranoid. In fact, given all the polyamory and serial monogamy in the bisexual community, lesbians are justified in being wary of getting involved with bisexuals.

I think they should make a new label for people like you. Something like "bicommitted" or "lesbi". That would make it easy to differentiate between bisexuals who live for sex and bisexuals who live for commitment, love and friendship.

Tenise

Sigh. I am a bisexual who is in a relationship of four years who engaged to a lesbian.

We are in a happily monogamous relationship, which I insisted on from the beginning. I have been cheated on in the past by another woman. I know what it is like to be made to feel like less than you are, like not enough. I never want to make someone that I claim to love feel that way.

My family knows that I am bisexual, and they have since I was eighteen, when I came out. That family includes Jehovah's Witnesses, Baptists, Catholics, Southern Baptists and AMEs. The AMEs are coming to terms with me, but the rest have readily accepted me and our relationship.

I took my fiance to rural Mississippi to our family reunion two years ago. My family loved and accepted her and me for who we are. We did not hide and we did not lie. We were simply us. I have never chosen the easy road simply because it is easy. I chose to be with my parter, despite the obvious risks, simply because I love her and she me.

I am happily planning my wedding to the woman who is my best friend, my soul mate, the person whom I can and do tell anything and everything. I call myself bisexual, because that is who I am. I love my partner deeply, and yet I am attracted to men as well as women. That will not change, and I refuse to lie to make other people comfortable.

I don't think that because I am bisexual that I will suddenly have a "hankering" for a man. As my partner puts it, "Either of us could walk away from this relationship. I want to stay and I want you to stay. But if either of us ever wants out, we will discuss it and go to therapy before we end it. But if that is truly what either of us needs to be happy, then that is what we will do."

You see, we actually talk about things like this because both of us are realists. But that openness and honesty is the foundation of our relationship. Bisexual or not, I would be an idiot to leave her. And my mama didn't raise an idiot.

teres

Fortunately I've been lucky enough to date true bisexuals. Ive dated three women in my lifetime and two of them were bi. And no they weren't going through some kind of phase such as looking for fulfillment from a women while they wait for their prince charming. There was never this confusion state of am I gay or am I straight on their part. And when the relationships did eventually end, it had nothing to do with some man, far from it. To my knowledge they continued a relationship with another women after the fact. (However, not to long ago I saw one of my past girlfriends with her boyfriend) but I mean, thats why their called bisexuals, right.
Basically I'm saying all this is to let people know that their are alot of bisexuals who fit the description that Jasmyne speaks about, but there are many who are actually true bisexuals. The perpetraters just stand out more because they cause so much damage.
Even with all this bad hype going on with bisexuals I will still date them. When relationships consistently go wrong whether its with bisexuals, gays, or heterosexuals, you can't point the finger at them and say well they were bisexuals thats why it didnt work. You have to take some responsibility and you need to start lookin at yourself.

Kevin

@johnosahon: Couldn't your man wake up one day and "find the Lord" just as easily if he was gay?

johnosahon

eternity | Monday, January 07, 2008 at 12:40 PM

this is exactly what cannick was trying to say. as a gay man, i will NEVER knowingly date a bisexual man, before one day i wake up and my man has left me claiming he has "found the lord". is that not what happened to a same-sex couple, who were fighting in court, because one of them decided she was now straight and won full custody of their child. i don't want that drama.

eternity

And yes, it has been proven that lesbians have a much lower risk of STDs than bisexuals.

eternity

I can completely understand why Jasmyne doesn't want to date bisexuals. In fact, I feel the same way.

I know that there are some monogamous bisexuals in the world, but based on my life experience, they are the extreme minority.

Most bisexuals are not searching for a life partner of the same sex, which makes perfect sense when you think about it. Given the homophobia that runs rampant in the black community, why would a monogamous bisexual woman want to settle with another woman when she could be just as fulfilled with a man? Come on guys, it just doesn't make sense.

If you could be genuinely satisfied with someone of the opposite sex, why would you marry a same sex partner and have to put up with all of society's bull for the rest of your life? You wouldn't.

This is why many lesbians, including myself, choose not to date bisexuals. There is always the risk that they will get tired of all the discrimination that gay couples face and decide to go back to the straight world. Lesbians do not have this option. We are only happy being with women, this is what makes us lesbians.

Avoiding bisexuals in the dating world is not a decision I came to overnight. I have seen many of my friends hurt by bisexuals who don't want to commit to the same sex, and I myself was burned by a bisexual who left me to lead a straight life.

I gave bisexuals a chance and the bi girl I fell in love with couldn't take the pressure of being in a gay relationship. After just 6 months of dating, she dumped me for a man to satisfy her family, co-workers, church members and to calm her own internalized homophobia. I really do believe that she loved me, it was just that it didn't make sense for her to settle with a woman when she could have been happy with a man.

I think its time that bisexuals look within their community to address the complex issue of homophobia -- in both its societal and internalized forms. Instead of getting mad at lesbians who are protecting themselves from heartache, bisexuals should think about why it is there is such a problem with long-term same sex commitment within their ranks.

chandra

I think what Jasmyne means in terms of getting tested is the fact that women can more easily contract sexuality transmitted diseases from a man than from another woman and that is how most women get STDs--from a man. Therefore, if a woman sleeps with both men and women (however that person would like to define herself) she will be more likely to have an STD than a woman who exclusively sleeps with women.

Also me personally, I have never known a bisexual woman who ended up (ie., married) another woman. They always end up with men in the end for whatever reason. Perhaps the reasons include, it's easier in terms of social acceptability, a woman may want a traditional family or have a child with a man, etc., etc. And I've known very few bisexuals whose family knows that they're bi. Why? Because they don't disclose that info since sometimes or most of the time they're in a relationship with a man. Therefore, their families assume they're straight and since they're bi and will probably end up with a man anyway they don't feel the need to discuss their "personal" life.

Lesbians don't want to have to think about and deal with all of the above. That is the reason some lesbians don't want to date bisexuals.

Kevin

Being bisexual is not a trend or a fad, and it is not all about sex. Being bisexual doesn't mean you go out and bang everything that moves. I would think that gay folks would be last ones to accuse someone else of choosing their orientation, since some straight people use the choice argument against all of us daily.

Nik

"Now if you don’t care if your girl is sexin' you one night and her man the next, more power to you. You just might want to make sure you get tested though on the frequent."
But if your girl is sexin' you one night and another girl the next, no need to get tested, because that's ok, right? It is not fair to assume that all bisexual women are running back and forth between a man and a woman. Believe it or not, it is entirely possible for a bisexual to monogamous. In fact most of the bisexuals I know have been/are currently in long-term monogamous relationships with women, but I've known many promiscuous lesbians who need both hands and feet to count every woman they've ever been with. But it's ok because at least there are no men in the mix. I got it.

"It’s no different from my decision If that’s your thing handle it, but don’t flip out and start hating on lesbians who choose to date only other lesbians, that’s our choice, just like it’s yours to be bisexual."

So I suppose you chose to be a lesbian? All heterosexuals chose to be straight? I'm sure you have used the argument that homosexuality isn't a choice, etc., yet you have the nerve to accuse bisexuals of choosing an orientation that alienates them from gay AND straight people. I guess gay people own that argument and the rest of the LGBT community has to ask permission to use it. I'm so sick of black lesbians having this superiority complex. We are all struggling for the same acceptance, so why would you want to cause such a division in our community? Oh, well. It's wonderful to see that hypocrisy is alive and well.

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