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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Comments

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I think each people have the right to show their feelings and I think this is the best opportunity to do it, if we aren't hurting someone else go ahead.

Lizz Torres

By the way, any one who doesn't like to be touched/ doesn't like to sex anyone back is actually literally going against human nature. I think these people have psychological problems they need to fix asap.

But my gf says it's normal because a lot of lesbians are like that. It make me wonder if they were rape victims or something.

Lizz Torres

I registered just to leave this comment.

I've been with my stud for for a year now and she is my first gf. I have talked to other girls before but feels she is the one for me... Except...

SHE'S A STONE. And ppl I'm a femme, this makes me sick. I had no ideas of all the labeling and bullshit when I got into a relationship with her!!! I didn't know it was normal to not wanting to be touched, to me it still isn't!!!!!

This is weighing down on my relationship very much she won't budge and I'm feeling less and less attracted to her/ attractive and sexy myself. She is perfect in every other way I don't want this to end over sex but the truth is that I feel like it is. Especially bcus she's my first come on I need to experiment and see what I do and don't like GOD!!!

*THE FORCED PILLOW PRINCESS NEEDS HELP PLEASE!

Jordan True Flight

Thankyou for a very entertaining and enlightening piece. It definitly opened my eyes to allot of things I had not thought of before.

Sasha

Wow. Im amazed at how sensitive we are coming across. As homosexuals their really is no room for that. we define our roles and how we low on a per relationship basis. I, personally, am turned off by the MIS-leading Pillow Princess'. by that i mean the ones who say " im versatile" "im a pleaser" and when it comes down to it they say " i just cant do it" AFTER the deed is done to them. now that... i believe.. is what has contributed to a bad taste (pun intended) in my mouth. Otherwise people.. Learn to live in tolerance... and to my Ultra sensitive Sistas and Brothas.. That means you must also embrace having tolerance of how others think and feel. So when they have an "opinion" you can recieve it as just that.

Tiffany

Personally I don't think someone who is not a pillow princess should be writing an article about pillow princesses. If you don't understand the dynamics of a pillow princess/stone butch relationship, why are you writing about it? A woman who enjoys pleasing her woman would never be happy with a stone butch, which is why pillow princesses are perfect for them. Why are you shining such a negative light on pillow princesses, claiming that they are only with a woman because they don't have access to a man? I am a proud pillow princess in a loving relationship with a stone butch. I could go on and on about all the false statements about pillow princesses in this article, but since I'm a pillow princess I'm too lazy so fuck it

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when I was little I used to play with the pillows on my bed and gopear as in a war my friends and sisters. I really enjoyed that time. When I see these as colorful decorations, just remember with nostalgia those wonderful moments that I would live them again.

sally

i agree with angela's post december 6th. i don't think that the homothug/butch who is passive in the bedroom is necessarily "false advertising." unless they explicitly call themselves tops or thugs in bed, etc when they're talking about themselves. then it's just kind of, well, strange when they turn out to be the opposite of what they said - trust and honesty becomes an issue at that point.

on another point, i consider myself a feminine/queer lesbian. i love giving and i love receiving. i have been with all different kinds of women - some don't like penetration, some do, some don't want anything in return at all, some want it all. the most satisfying relationships i've had were those with mutual sex. the other relationships felt... well... like they were missing something. i want to make my lover feel the way she makes me feel, emotionally and physically.

i HAVE been in a pillow princess relationship, where i was the princess and my lover was the strapon butch. i know everyone's different, but this was not satisfying for me. in that situation, my lover told me she loved fucking me and didn't care to get fucked particularly. it made me feel really weird that she just wanted to fuck me and didn't want anything back from me. "maybe she doesn't like me," i thought. so i just let her fuck me while i "moaned and groaned" and thought about what the hell was going on with us. when i think back on it, i was totally intimidated by her and lost in the uncomfortable power dynamics of the situation. it didn't turn out good. my experience as a pillow princess was pretty damn shitty. if my lover doesn't want my fucking, how can this turn me on??

Case

Would somebody please direct me to the page in the LGBTQ handbook where it says certain topics are off limits for conversation? It would also help if you would cite the duly elected committee members who passed that resolution ‘cause I didn’t get so much as an absentee ballot on any of that......

And while we’re on the subject, and please make note, a “HOMOBIGOT” is someone who hates homosexuals. There’s been none of that, here. Just attempts, on some folk’s part, to shut down conversations. To my way of thinkin’, that’s another kind of bigotry - the censorial kind.

Seems to me, that we owe it to ourselves, TO HAVE certain conversations - even if this means tolerating a measure of discomfort. This isn’t a job for the faint hearted. This IS us defining our own Culture, right on down to our own particular sexual neighborhoods. Would it be better to have White folks and psychiatrists decide our business FOR US?

Nobody is trying to tell anybody else what to do in the privacy of her (his) own bedroom. That’s a bogus charge.

I’m just not the type to suspend my own judgement about things on somebody elses say so. If you can’t discuss your bisexuality or stone-ness, or even your lesbianism, without being hostile and/or defensive, I’m suspicious…..

truelife

If you are with a woman who refuses to touch you our give you live, you have a problem. Nuf said.

jen

"I guess if I had to pick a label I would kind of say I'm a switch hitter ;) I definitely appear very femme, but I will go from “top” to “bottom” in a heartbeat, and I like my women the same way. I feel sexually claustrophobic in a relationship where I can’t receive AND give on a regular basis. I do enjoy giving, but I haven’t had the experience of getting off so much on giving that it brings me to orgasm (yet. ;) LOVE when that day finally comes- pun intended ;)). The concept of never having an orgasm during my sexual experience just somehow seems dissonant to me. "

Yea that. What she said. I'm way new to all this, a few months ago had no clue what a top or bottom was for goodness sake - but I've got a few good friends who have filled me in on the details and I find it extremely interesting that on some levels there seem to be more rigidly defined sexual roles in the lesbian community than I ever encountered in the straight community!

Interesting...

jen

"I guess if I had to pick a label I would kind of say I'm a switch hitter ;) I definitely appear very femme, but I will go from “top” to “bottom” in a heartbeat, and I like my women the same way. I feel sexually claustrophobic in a relationship where I can’t receive AND give on a regular basis. I do enjoy giving, but I haven’t had the experience of getting off so much on giving that it brings me to orgasm (yet. ;) LOVE when that day finally comes- pun intended ;)). The concept of never having an orgasm during my sexual experience just somehow seems dissonant to me. "

Yea that. What she said. I'm way new to all this, a few months ago had no clue what a top or bottom was for goodness sake - but I've got a few good friends who have filled me in on the details and I find it extremely interesting that on some levels there seem to be more rigidly defined sexual roles in the lesbian community than I ever encountered in the straight community!

Interesting...

Truthiz

As an adult_and more importanly, as a gay Black female, I will reject ANY attempt by anyone to intrude in My bedroom and dictate or define how I and my Significant other Choose to express Our intimacy!

Am I a "Stone Butch" or "Pillow princess"?

No!

But I'm d*mn fed-up with the [K]hristian Reich and other HOMOBIGOTS who've made it their mission to wreack hovac on the lives of "gays and lesbians". For decades they've stood in Judgement of Us, trying to dictate WHO we should Love and HOW we should love!

So now members of the gay and lesbian communities are embracing a similar mentality???!

And IF I don't "agree" with whatever is going on in Your bedroom, that means that You and your mate are wrong??? So I can judge you???

H*LL NO!

...because it's YOUR life_and I have NO right in Your business! That's between You and your mate!!!

You have EVERY right to Love whomever you choose, HOWEVER you choose_as long you're NOT hurting (or infringing upon the rights of) others!

Bo

I can't find any excuses for partners who refuse to reciprocate. Sex is give and take, and if it goes into one direction all the time then there's a problem..
It's ok if a partner isn't into oral sex or something..but there are so many other ways to pleasure back a partner, that if you just lay there then that makes that person a "user".

Truthiz

Jasmyne asked: “ it’s not so easy to figure out the mechanics behind our more masculine sistas who behind closed doors, turn into the stud version of a Pillow Princess...they can’t all be suffering from or with internalized homophobia. Can they?”

My answer: No. There are many reasons that can account for it_having absolutely Nothing to do with homophobia in any way!

Jasmyne wrote: “Maybe it’s just me, but I thought one of the normalcy’s of being a lesbian was the act of being a lesbian."

WoW_that's deep_because quite frankly trying to determine the “act” of “normalcy” for ANY lesbian other than MYSELF is way beyond my abilities!

Truthiz, some lesbians are just fine with the “pillow princess” dynamic in their relationship. And if it works for them, who am I question their "normalcy" OR their "lesbianism"_?!

Like me, some lesbians are only interested in having a mutually exclusive 1-to-1 Monogamous relationship. Other lesbians prefer a more ‘Open” relationship w/multiple lesbians. Again, if it works for them, who am I to question that?!

The problem arises when one_or both_partners Fail to _either communicate effectively what the REAL deal is_and/or get a thorough Understanding of the information that should be shared BEFORE entering into a relationship.

Both parties MUST be Open and Honest with each other from day # 1...that's the key! When things are left to "fester" the relationship will eventually began to fall apart.

Equally important is the Fact that people tend to suffer a TON of grief, and mental/emotional anguish trying to Conform to the “norms” of others!

I remember my teen-thru-late 20s very well!

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Dalila

I am so interested to hear there is a term for this "Stone Butch" phenomenon. I was with a couple such women, and really didn't comprehend it. I guess if I had to pick a label I would kind of say I'm a switch hitter ;) I definitely appear very femme, but I will go from “top” to “bottom” in a heartbeat, and I like my women the same way. I feel sexually claustrophobic in a relationship where I can’t receive AND give on a regular basis. I do enjoy giving, but I haven’t had the experience of getting off so much on giving that it brings me to orgasm (yet. ;) LOVE when that day finally comes- pun intended ;)). The concept of never having an orgasm during my sexual experience just somehow seems dissonant to me.

So given that I have a question for the self identified stone butches: Does giving pleasure in that way actually bring you to orgasm, or do you enjoy it but never have orgasms in the sexual interactions you have? And if you don’t is there a reason why you don’t want one (or several) ‘Cause in my experience of it –who wouldn’t want an orgasm? With the women I was with who were like that I eventually came to understand from them that it was about vulnerability and a loss of a feeling of control. Somebody making them cum opened them up in a way that scared them.

Is that the general consensus of most stone butches or was that just a them thing? Is there another reason you are not interested in climax? Do you climax in other ways outside of your interactions i.e. self stimulation? I know these are very intimate questions, but I am very interested to hear what my sisters have to say about this. I hope someone will take the time to share.

DS

It seems to me that whatever someone wants to do in bed is ok as long as they and their sexual partner agree on it. And I find it disconcerting that someone has to conform to a stereotype of how a "lesbian" should be in bed. That seems to be the same kind of hateration that straight folks want to impose on us. You can't just assume that what you like is what everyone else likes...As for the whole perpetrating lesbian thing, what does it matter if you're not sleeping with one? You can not save people from themselves. If a "stud" feels like she wants a women who's sexuality is questionable, then more power to her. I can guarantee you that she knows what she's getting into.

Angela

All I have to say is can you say Atlanta. I moved to Atlanta around 3 1/2 years ago. Im a lesbian (no labels) and I have dated 3 different women two of whom have been quote un qoute fem. and the other in between like me just - someone who loves women. Ok - everyone in Atlanta ( african-american) is either Fem or Butch and guess what your average Butch wont allow a Fem to touch them. I don't think it's Homophobia it's the whole control issue with Studs- if I make some noise in bed then I'm less of a stud and it's my job to please my women. I am currently in a relationship with a women who didnt know how to give because for so long Studs have been telling her no. I'm like the hell with that - Either Studs have never ever experienced an Orgasism or they are afraid to look less than butch. I personally love for a women to touch it, lick it and even rub on it if she knows how.

I love the fact that you brought up this subject because I'm tired of the 69 I owe you one Women.

jbyrd130

On the gay male "passive" issue... I personally have no problem with the "homothug/butch" bottoms whatsoever! I don't think it's necessarily "false advertising," unless of course they're talking game in the streets and then filp-flop in the sheets. And on the other hand there are also "fem" boys who top exclusively. Just goes to show, you can't get caught up on image only.

But I'd like to think that when there is a true connection between two people, the physical intimacy is wholly reciprocal, and "bedroom roles" aren't binary.

Maddison

I don't understand it either.

How a butch lesbian does not want to be touched. I personally love to taste it, touch it, lick it, suck it, smell it, hell crawl inside it and just live there, if I could LOL. And whoever I happen to be doing most definitely better want to do the same to me, or her azz won't be going to loveland with me again.

Again, I just don’t get it.

Kandiee

This is good stuff Jasmyne!!! I love it! Thanks for calling them out proper and correct. Im waiting to hear from em' too! They just don't get the fact that it's give and take. Not just take! Pillow P's you can get into a worlds of trouble with the little games you play...Thankfully my partner and I don't have those woes. But that leads me to wonder if other Lesbian Couples do...? Can a serious commitment survive with one half being a pillow p?

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